The Weight of Depression

One of the main symptoms of my depression feeling stuck or weighted down.  Literally, like being stuck in the snow up to my eyes and although possible to move, it requires considerably more strength than someone who is free.  But since it is the air that is thick and heavy, and not snow, getting out of bed when the weight of the air holds you down is exhausting, or even impossible. And yet we’re expected to hop out of bed like someone who is weightless. I believe that it is one of the reasons depressed people often stay in bed, whether sleeping or not, it is not that we want to. We just don’t have the physical strength required to move.  One of the most frustrating aspects of this is that at end of the day when we feel like we’ve got nothing done, we have in fact we’ve exerted more energy than most people. Unfortunately, this is not reflected on our to-do list.

In the winter this feeling is often intensified as I feel stuck in my home because the energy required to bundle up, scrape off the car, or walk anywhere is so much more work when depression is already weighing me down.  Luckily, the weight is not too heavy these days, but sometimes it still comes over me like a heavy blanket dropped from the sky. I find it hard to see or move and I can feel disconnected from what is going on around me. Like the little Buddha in my garden waiting for the snow to melt, I wait for the blanket to be lifted so I can move freely again, and sometimes waiting it out is all that I can do.

Those of us who have survived depression or other mental health issues are literally stronger people as a result of having to exert the force required just to get up every day.

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