Just like depression is so much more than feeling sad, our mental health affects so much more than our mind. Sometimes I feel like it every movement requires superhuman strength; like I’m moving through pea soup and not just air. Sometimes I am not able to coordinate my limbs and find myself tripping over nothing. Sometimes there is a disconnect between my brain and my mouth, so what I say is not always what I intended, or what I hear is not what has been said. So although it all stems from my mind, my whole body is affected.
This morning, while at my weekly riding lesson this became very evident to me. While I was riding, I could not stay in proper position, when I tried to fix one issue, another one would immediately appear. In the past, I would probably have thought I’m just not a good rider and I’ll never get better. But today, after leaving the barn, I could see the connection to my mood. The last few months have been really challenging for me. With my mom passing away in February, and my uncle in March, and today my daughter left for France. Although I am excited for her to have this opportunity, it does bring up a lot of my own anxiety issues. Being close to my kids has always been very grounding for me, and knowing they are growing up is something that I struggle with (even though I am so proud of them and their independence). All of this combined has left me feeling drained this week.
So today, my horse probably felt that my mind was all over the place, as were my limbs, luckily he is always very patient with me, I just need to be more patient with myself.