Am I Not Enough?

I am the only one who feels like they aren’t quite enough?  Somedays I feel like I’m not brave enough, or hardworking enough, or tough enough, or gentle enough, or smart enough or generous enough, or disciplined enough… I could go on and on!

Although everywhere we look,  our culture appears to promote prioritizing self-care, self-love, self-worth… and yet at the same time, we are bombarded with messages to inspire us to try harder, dream bigger and get more done in less time.  How can I prioritize self-love while at the same time feeling that I should be trying to improve myself and my life in so many different areas? It is really enough to make me feel crazy.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t I just ‘be’ and be ok with that?

For example,  I am so proud of the fact that I started my blog after years of thinking about it, that I post regularly, and best of all, that people are reading it (thank you, readers!). I have reached the goal that I set. Why can’t that be good enough?  Why do I now feel pressure to ‘expand my audience’ and ‘spread my message’?  I can’t even tell if it’s my internal voice wanting to do more, or have I been conditioned to always strive for more?

My facebook feed is full of inspiring messages about ‘just be you’ and ‘never giving up’ and ‘dream big’.  And I am totally guilty of sharing these posts as they remind me that things will get better when I’m stuck in a rut.  But what if we have a small dream that is just the right size for us? What if we attain that dream and want to enjoy it just the way it is? Why can’t that be enough?

I love learning and so I attend a lot of workshops, whether is about art,  small business or personal growth. I enjoy learning and try new things. But lately, I am wondering if they have caused some unwanted side effects. Are they making me feel like I need to do more? Or I am not doing enough of the right things?  Maybe I am not clear enough?

So on this Sunday evening, I am practicing feeling that I am enough, just the way I am at this very moment (with a little Netflix and my knitting).

I’d love to know if others can relate to feeling enough, or rather not enough? Have you moved beyond it and have ideas to share? IMG_2339

 

Pain & Suicide

Wanting pain to stop is not the same as wanting to die.  One may lead to the other, but if there are other options to stop the pain, I believe most people would choose them over dying.  Other than giving birth to my two 9lb+ babies and passing kidney stones, my head has caused me the most pain.

I get migraines, well, they are not the typical migraines, but they are very bad headaches that can last for days. They started when I was eleven, I was in grade 5 and I remember thinking there must be something dreadfully wrong with me. They can be so painful and exhausting, that when I have one I want to cut my head off. I used to say this and people would laugh, or pat me on the back and say something like ‘just take an aspirin and lay down for while’  or ‘take a bath’ or ‘have you tried_______ (trust me, I have tried everything)?’  So now I try not to talk about them. Actually, I try to avoid them if at all possible. And if I do say something, it is usually a few days into it, and I can’t hide it anymore.

I know a lot of people suffer from pain that is more debilitating than my headaches, and maybe I even have a low threshold for pain, but that doesn’t make them any more bearable for me.  Sometimes it feels like there is a vice around my head that is slowly being tightened. Other times the pain radiates from the base of my skull where I feel like someone just whacked me with a cast iron pan. Everything from my jaw and teeth to my throat and even to my stomach, begin to ache under the pressure, eventually leaving me nauseous and weak. And if one lasts long enough, it feels like my eyes are being forced out of their sockets under the pressure. When I lay in bed, I imagine how I could sever my head from my neck. Would I do it at the base of my skull or at the level of the shoulders?  What kind of force would be required?  I never want to actually do this,  but I never want a headache either.

As I have said before, pain is pain. Emotional or physical, they both hurt. They are both unmeasurable. They are exhausting and can be all consuming. What helps one person may not help the next.  What is tolerable to one is excruciating to the next.

So I imagine that when a person is in so much pain and they are not able to see an end to it,  dying begins to look like a solution.  I imagine this is the kind of pain that someone is in when they commit suicide. Pain that no one seems to understand.  No one knows how hard they tried to stop it, but nothing helped or it didn’t last.  There is no pill or therapy or magic potion that has sufficiently taken away their pain. So they don’t want to die, but they need the pain to stop.

I wonder if we change the conversation around suicide, by helping people

***If you or someone you know is in pain, please take it seriously.   There are crisis lines, therapists, doctors and support networks of all kinds, look for them, reach out.  If the first place you look doesn’t have what you need, try the next until you find what’s right for you. In my experience, when we are able to reach out, we are often pleasantly surprised at how quickly a situation can change.   

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What I need, I will learn today

*This is a guest post written by my longtime friend Kimberley Eland.

The truth about being truthful and the power to carry it out.

I love to write. Period. I love stationery and paper, pens and markers. I love the smell of bounded journals and books and the weight of them. I love the way letters, fonts and words fit together like pieces of a puzzle on a board. For a very long time, I’ve wanted to write. A poem, a song or just something of meaning, I’ve wanted to leave “a mark” as they say.

I also love photography and art. I love how the light can play tricks on the eye and I love how it changes over the course of an hour, a day, a season. I love that in the summer, the colour green abounds. In the winter, I love how the light can reflect off of the snow and create prisms of colour that sparkle like diamonds. I love how the sky can change from gray to purple to blue to white and back again in minutes. I especially love it when I catch the moment and can capture it in a photograph or a drawing. When I do this, I feel like I’ve caught a wrinkle in time! Sometimes, when I need inspiration, I can go back to that wrinkle, even if it doesn’t exist in real time and come back to the start. Begin again if you will. Once again, leaving a trace or a mark as if to appease my huge ego by fanciful ideas of greatness.

So why haven’t I done anything about this? Why haven’t I just sat down and considered doing something? I’ve taken notes, jotted a few lines here and there. I’ve even penned out a couple of rudimentary poems but never considered them “good” enough to share or to learn by heart. Why is that? Why do I procrastinate?

Fear made me frozen and I was knee deep in denial and blame.

On November 30th, 2017 I received a diagnosis: “You have a tumour in your right eye and it is cancerous”. All the time I thought I was doing everything right, what I ate, how I exercised, my sleep patterns were regular, I had a house, a family a good job, good friends…. all of this came to a halt in one afternoon at a hospital in Montreal. To clarify, these things didn’t actually stop existing, they simply stopped being “a part of my life as I knew it” and had to become “a part of my life with a life-threatening diagnosis”.

When I found out that there was something in my eye, doom and gloom moved in and created a frenzy inside. It sat with me, it sang me to sleep, it woke me in the middle of the night and it haunted my waking hours. I am ashamed to admit that I told myself that I “had it coming”. Why would a person do this to themselves? I figured that because I wasn’t satisfied with my life, thinking that I never had enough time to do the things I truly wanted to do, like write or paint or play music or take great pictures then I deserved the wake-up call that the Universe was offering me. Here’s the strange part, compassion came to visit and it was telling me I was sleeping through my life, just coasting at a speed that was fast enough to get from A to B but slow enough to not upset my apple cart. Looking back to the time before my diagnosis, I realize that I was headed for a crash, even though I was following traffic and obeying the rules, I did not realize that by making excuses and blaming others for my lack time was the equivalent of driving in the middle of the autoroute all the while going in the wrong direction. A crash was imminent, it seems obvious to me now, I wasn’t going to listen to any other way. My self-loathing and lack of self-compassion attracted an event that was the necessary evil to make me STOP and look at my life from an entirely new perspective.

I had to welcome the demon and acknowledge its presence before I could focus on my truth.

I have been fortunate enough to allow for my demons. I have been a self-loathing person faced with the reality that I too am worthy of love. This brought me to my knees. I was overwhelmed and caught off guard by the influx of love and support I was receiving. Someone said to me: “You have been there for your family, your husband, your children, your friends. You gave them your hand when they needed it, now it is your turn to accept the hand they offer you. You deserve it”. I had never really taken stock of it, yet it is now my understanding that without love, hope and faith are impossible dreams. I have it all it doesn’t have to be impossible. Why can’t I write? Why can’t I sing? Why can’t I take photos and enjoy the light? I can. I will. I am. The truth is that I was blaming my lack of motivation on fatigue and too much time spent at work. What I am now noticing is that I was miserable at work because I was telling myself that it is what I have to do in order to eventually have time to do all the other stuff. That is just a boatload of crazy. I do not need to work 40 hours in 4 days to have a day off just so that I can get the house cleaned up and the laundry caught up. I can figure this out. The truth is that I have to actually DO something about it for it to work. I know I have discipline, I just need to refocus and direct it in the other direction. I also have to embrace the reality of failure and that it doesn’t need to define me. Just like cancer, you can get a diagnosis and it is very real, but it doesn’t have to define you.

 

If I practice being more true and authentic, I can acknowledge that I needed to make a change and that I’ve been out of alignment for years. I’ve failed at jobs and tasks that I was asked to do. It doesn’t have to define me unless I allow it. I can let go and allow my prognosis to be different. Just. Like. Me. The demon inside my heart showed its ugly head, its shame, its truth and I captured it in a photograph, in a wrinkle. It’s not as malignant as I thought it was. It’s unique and kind of beautiful and it deserves recognition. I know in my heart that I will have to practice my truth every day. Authenticity cannot be mastered. There are no diplomas. I will never graduate. But I will live my life as it is meant to be. Not by telling myself to push through and bear it but rather to lean in and allow it to take me where I need to go. On many occasions I have asked the question: “ What should I do?” and the answer has come from many different teachers: “The answer is in you.” OK. I heard. Now, I’m listening. I’m afraid because I’m human. I’ve been numb because I’m human. I have not been practicing for long. I know that fear of failure and disappointment has kept me frozen for a long time. I want to live this life, my life within the collective universe. I am choosing to get off the autoroute that goes smooth and fast and take the back roads. It isn’t an easy route. But it can be simple. I just have to practice more at being OK with it. Another friend once sent me a photo with the caption: “Climbing mountains is hard work, but my legs are so very strong because of my willingness to ascent”, or at least that is the message that I understood in the caption. My legs are strong. My heart is full. There will be darkness but there will be light. Life it seems is a paradox and I’m willing to be one too. One day at a time.

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Photo by Kimberley Eland

 

 

Living, Dying and Making Choices

My mother passed away last week after almost 4 years of dealing with ovarian cancer.  She went through surgery, treatments, scans, medications and side effects; more than anyone should have to go through.  I am still grieving, and I have yet to fully absorb the extent of the vacancy she leaves in my life. But one thing has stood out for me and I wanted to share.

When people are dying we treat them differently.

In January, my mom got the flu and ended up in the hospital.  Once she was rehydrated and her pain under control, she was still unable to eat anything and yet there was no medical reason why.  Everyone was trying to coax her to eat, offering a variety of options.  She would try to sip or take a small spoonful, but it just wouldn’t go down.  She was unable to articulate what was happening for her, but she would then apologize for ‘failing’ to eat and would promise to try harder.  It was heartbreaking.

After watching this for a few days, it dawned on me; maybe she doesn’t want to eat.  Maybe this is her unconscious way of saying enough is enough.   I suggested to my sister that perhaps we should give her the option; when or if she wants to eat, she can let us know, but that we would stop trying to push food into her.  Our mom had not spoken a lot in the last few days, but she was definitely aware and coherent of what was going on around her, so when presented with this option, her relief was undeniable.

It became obvious that she was not going to be able to go home if she was not eating, nor was she going to ‘get better’. Fortunately, she was able to go a to a beautiful palliative care hospice nearby.

While at the hospice, I had a lot of time to observe their approach to care, which was very different from other medical care I’ve seen.  Basically, I felt that patients were not told what to do, but rather they were given options.  If they wanted to take a bath, great. If not, no problem. Want to eat, perfect.  Not hungry, ok too. The other big shift was that the doctor would sit with my mom and hold her hand as they talked. She would ask about how she was feeling, not just physically, but emotionally as well, and they would patiently wait as she searched for words to express herself.

Now, I know it is easy to think that this is all well and good to do this when people are dying, but while we are living there are things we all have to do that we won’t like, and we don’t have the time to hold hands with everyone.

But aren’t we all dying?  Some of us know it will be sooner than later, but we are all going to die and we have very little control as to when or how.

Of course, I realize that there are things we need to do even if we don’t want to. But there are so many things we do without questioning. We do them because it is expected, or it’s what other people are doing, or because it has been asked, or because someone said we should. By giving away our power to make a choice,  we undoubtingly feel resentment and frustration. But if we look at all those things as choices, we can feel empowered.  Just the act of making the choice to do something feels good, even if the outcome is the same.

For example, as my mom’s condition changed, her options were presented to her, with the likely consequences, she could ask questions and then she was able to make a decision for herself.  Of course, sometimes we don’t like any of the choices and I’m sure not getting cancer would have been first on her list, but since that wasn’t an option, she felt empowered to make a choice amongst the possibilities.  I know it was easier for me to accept the outcome knowing my mom had been part of the decision process and it was not just happening to her, as I had felt during the earlier stages of her illness. I also feel that part of the peacefulness she expressed in the last few days were in no small part because of this approach.

So what about while we are living?  Can we give each other more opportunities to make choices? To feel empowered ourselves? To sit with each other and check in?   If my time at the hospice is any indication,  the effort that this approach requires is nothing compared to the increased quality of life, whether we are near the end of our life or not.

*This is me and my mom, October 2016.   Photo by Robyn Andrew, Unposed.com

 

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Want a BFF? Be your imperfect self

When I was a little girl, I had a BFF (best friend forever) all the way through elementary school. She was the kind of girl that I could hang out with for hours giggling, sharing all our secrets and dreams. We’d play, explore and plan our lives. Nothing was off limits.   I remember a ‘friendship forever’ feeling that made me feel AOK even when things around me weren’t. But eventually, we grew up and went our separate ways.  We’d touch base every once in a while, or bump into one another at an event. But we certainly didn’t share our secrets anymore. I thought this was a normal part of growing up, but does it have to be?

Am I the only one who wants a BFF?  I doubt it and I have a theory as to why they don’t come easily.

When we are young, we have our whole life in front of us. Possibilities, dreams, fantasies, anything goes!  As we grow up we stop believing in the usual things (tooth fairies and such)  but we also stop believing in the ‘anything is possible’ dreams (like being an astronaut or ballerina).  We start worrying about what we don’t do right, or what can never happen. We focus on our faults and our failures and what’s wrong with us.  We focus on all the people we meet that are doing so well, whether it’s a successful career, beautiful family or worldly adventures.

I can clearly remember moments when I would meet someone that seemed interesting and fun, someone I would like to get to know better. But I would instantly think ‘they would never want to be friends with me’ or ‘once they know I deal with depression they won’t stick around’.  So with thoughts like this, it is no wonder I struggled to make real friends. I was too worried that they would find me depressing, insecure or just too weird.  In a nutshell, I felt unworthy.  So in order to overcome this feeling, I would bury my anxiety and sadness and mask them with laughter. I would pray that no one would see through the charade, which of course, only added to the problem.

The irony is that now that I write about my mental health challenges, and share them openly, I have made more genuine friends (and reconnected with my BFF from elementary school!).  I believe this is because we are all just wanting to be our imperfect selves, but sometimes we just need the other person to go first.   IMG_0262

 

The Weight of Depression

One of the main symptoms of my depression feeling stuck or weighted down.  Literally, like being stuck in the snow up to my eyes and although possible to move, it requires considerably more strength than someone who is free.  But since it is the air that is thick and heavy, and not snow, getting out of bed when the weight of the air holds you down is exhausting, or even impossible. And yet we’re expected to hop out of bed like someone who is weightless. I believe that it is one of the reasons depressed people often stay in bed, whether sleeping or not, it is not that we want to. We just don’t have the physical strength required to move.  One of the most frustrating aspects of this is that at end of the day when we feel like we’ve got nothing done, we have in fact we’ve exerted more energy than most people. Unfortunately, this is not reflected on our to-do list.

In the winter this feeling is often intensified as I feel stuck in my home because the energy required to bundle up, scrape off the car, or walk anywhere is so much more work when depression is already weighing me down.  Luckily, the weight is not too heavy these days, but sometimes it still comes over me like a heavy blanket dropped from the sky. I find it hard to see or move and I can feel disconnected from what is going on around me. Like the little Buddha in my garden waiting for the snow to melt, I wait for the blanket to be lifted so I can move freely again, and sometimes waiting it out is all that I can do.

Those of us who have survived depression or other mental health issues are literally stronger people as a result of having to exert the force required just to get up every day.

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Nobody Cares (and that can be a good thing!)

Of course, there are people that you care about and that care about you, but I’m not talking about them at the moment. The people I’m talking about are the ones at the mall, in the waiting room, at the bus stop, or at the movies. These people are just like you and me. They have their own worries and thoughts and they are not caring about what you’re wearing, or if you’re taking medications, or if you have paid off your MasterCard bill.  I’m reminding you, and me, of this fact because when anxiety kicks in it can override our rational mind and make us believe things that are simply not true.  During these moments I find myself wondering what others are thinking about me, worrying that they can see right through me. All my flaws are exposed and awaiting critique by any person who wishes to give me their two cents.  If I can catch this in the very early stages, I can sometimes refocus my brain on the simple fact that “NOBODY CARES”. I can sometimes end the anxiety before it really has a chance to gain momentum.  Sometimes this thought can even make me smile a little.

This mantra can be helpful not only in preventing a more significant episode but it can also help me focus on what is important at any given moment. Usually, that means focusing those relationships with the people I do care about and care about me.

So maybe the next time you feel yourself starting to worry about what others may be thinking, try reminding yourself “that nobody cares” and see how it feels.  Or do you already have little mantras that help bring you back to reality when anxiety is trying to take you off track? Feel free to reply in the comments as perhaps your words will help someone else.

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Emotional Pain is Still Pain

Last night I was looking forward to going out with my husband. We had tickets to a local live event. It was going to be a fun night and  I was honestly looking forward to it (I specify ‘honestly’ as I’ve been questioned about my desire to go, but it is not the desire that is the problem).  When the time came to go,  my stomach decided it did not want me to leave the house, actually, it didn’t want me to leave the bathroom.  I was not sick, but I was in pain.  Real, physical, pain.

Luckily, the pain was not so severe that I couldn’t override it. It came close, but because I knew I wanted to go and that I would feel even worse if I didn’t at least try. So I pushed myself out the door and into the car. I could barely stand up straight as I felt like I was being jabbed in the stomach with every movement.  It then took another significant push to get myself out of the car and into the event (we actually sat in the parking lot till I could gather the strength to go in).

I realized that once in the door of the venue, it wasn’t the show that was the problem, or leaving my house, but the people.  People that I didn’t know.  I’m sure they are great people and were out to enjoy their evening, but it my head they were the enemy.  An enemy that had the ability to see inside my mind and erase any sensible thought. I felt like I didn’t know anything, I could barely remember my name.  All I could think was not to be sick, or trip and land on my face, or say something so ridiculously stupid that the room would go silent and everyone would know that I was an imposter. I felt sure it was obvious to everyone that I did not belong. They could surely see blood pounding in my veins. People would soon agree that I should be escorted out the door and back into the safety of my home.  But I know enough not to believe everything I think.  I know my thoughts deceive me at moments like this.   So I stayed put.  I breathed. I reminded myself that everything was going to be ok. I said my mantra “I am a strong and worthy person”.  I tried to look like I belonged (however I don’t really know what it is to ‘look like I belonged’, but I tried).

For those that have never felt this, or anything even resembling this, I can understand how it could sound ridiculous. It sounds ridiculous as I write it. But please trust me when I say I am not exaggerating.  The pain is real and the fear palpable, even when there is absolutely no reason behind it.   Also, if you are curious, this does not happen every time I go out. In fact, it rarely happens anymore.

The show was thoroughly entertaining and I found myself laughing out loud.  However, intermission was painful and it took every ounce of energy I had left in me not to run for the door. So the end of the show, I knew that I didn’t have anything left to even attempt conversation.  Luckily,  my husband knew this and we were the first out the door. I was beyond exhausted; I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained.

I am sharing this story as I know I am not alone.  As much as my brain tells me I am the only crazy one that this happens to, I know that I am not. So if you, or someone you love,  has physical pain even if there is no known reason for it, it does not make it any less real.  Pain is pain.

So please proceed with kindness. Kindness towards yourself and anyone affected.  No one needs a pity party, but respect and kindness are always appreciated.

PS. This is not to say I advocate for becoming a hermit or pretending that everything is fine when it is not. But it is just another example of how we never know what is happening in someone else’s mind or body at any given moment. IMG_1783

 

 

 

Riding The Wave Of Anxiety

One day, or one moment, I feel pretty good. My head is clear to think, I have the energy to do the things I want to do and I feel confident in my ability to actually get things done.  This feeling can last for hours, or days, sometimes even weeks.  But then in another moment,  I feel a change in the energy around me, a wave coming, I pray it is only a small one and try to dig my feet into the ground. Sometimes it passes over me like a smooth wave that washes over my feet, but sometimes it knocks me over.  My feet get swept under the current and I lose sight of where I am and I have trouble breathing.  I am not in control of my movements as the power of the wave is too strong and I have no choice but to go with it, hoping that I will be able to bob up for air and my feet will find the ground soon.   Sometimes I manage to get back up before anyone even notices I went under, because very possibly, I actually did not move an inch.  Other times, I am sure that everyone sees me flailing in the rough water and yet no one comes running to pull me up.  Sometimes I hope it’s because no one is looking my way, so just maybe I can catch my breath and pull myself together without having to explain what happened.  But other times I desperately want someone to grab my arm and pull me to the safety of solid ground.

Sometimes it starts with tingling in my hands,  my heart tightens,  I get a lump in my throat and I feel like I may be sick. Other times I am completely numb till the wave is gone, and then I just sit stunned, my body achy from the invisible struggle.  In these moments, I am left completely drained and my muscles are sore.  I just want to sleep and to cry, but usually crying too exhausting.

I have tried to figure out why these waves of anxiety keep happening because I’ve been asked so many times, but I have no answers.  It’s like asking why the waves on the beach keep coming; It’s the tides, the currents, the weather and a million other things that affect our planet.  My anxiety is the result of a million little things that I will likely never even know about.  The expectation to know exactly what causes anxiety is a heavy burden that I am now trying to let go of. I used to think that I would eventually figure it out. I will read, journal, track my moods, my diet, talk to my psychologist and do all the other things that are recommended.  I will eventually know all my triggers. I will learn to control my environment so I avoid those anxiety-inducing events and thoughts and I will be able to see any sign of an attack well in advance in order to change course.  But that expectation in itself causes me anxiety. How can I possibly know what is going on in my unconscious mind? We don’t expect anyone else to explain how their unconscious mind works, why do we ask that of people with mental health challenges?   So, I am going to try to let go of this expectation and just continue to ride the waves however they may be. pexels-photo-570984

New Year’s Eve Is Overrated

For those that like a reason to celebrate and enjoy gathering with friends and strangers, then this is not for you.  But for those of us who prefer a quiet evening at home,  prefer our PJs to party clothes, and a warm drink instead of bubbly, then I just want to say ‘you are not alone’.

Although I enjoy the festivities of Christmas day, the gifts, the food, and a day with family (I have a relatively small family), I would prefer to skip the 31st.  Everywhere I look there are expectations of party plans and the excitement of midnight as if something magical happens at that very moment.  And I won’t even get started on resolutions!

It triggers my anxiety to even think of going out and being expected to stay until after midnight.  Not that I am a total party pooper, I have some great memories of partying,  I just never really want to go to a party, but I the few times I have gone, I am usually glad I did.  Anyway, that is not my point.  My point is to say ‘if you want to stay home in your PJs, drink a hot beverage and go to bed whenever you feel like, you are not alone!

Enjoy the last day and night of 2017 however YOU like, I plan to!

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